About five years ago, I weighed the least I had in many years. I was in a sort of midlife crisis, was not sleeping nearly enough, and was fairly obsessed with monitoring my eating, running, and losing weight. I enjoyed positive attention for my looks from people I knew as well as from strangers at the store.

My appearance and weight took on a level of importance that I hadn’t experienced since my late teens and early twenties. I wanted to be noticed. I was overreacting to the constraints I was trying to escape when deconstructing my faith.

As a lifelong Christian woman of faith, I had believed that my role was to always be accommodating, to never really focus on my own needs and desires, to be there and serve others. I had believed I was expected to dress modestly but beautifully, to strive for personal control and righteousness, to be humble and self-deprecating. The common paradigm was that by focusing on others and meeting their needs, one’s own needs and desires would be noticed and met by one’s partner and family.

During this midlife crisis stage of upheaval, I began to feel as if no one ever noticed my needs, or, if they did notice, they didn’t truly understand me enough to meet them adequately. I thought my deep-seated yearning to be accepted for who I was would never be realized, and my desire for intimate fulfillment would go unmet because I felt undesirable at the core of my true self.

I craved a deeply accepting, wholly meaningful marriage and having my praises sung by my children through their overt compliments and underlying morally expected choices. My dissatisfaction resulted in chaotic thoughts and an ache to turn the paradigm on its head.

If living as selfless of a life as possible did not bring about the presumed accolades of a marriage and grown children that projected success to my Christian community and family, maybe that wasn’t how it was supposed to work, or maybe it wasn’t something I would be able to achieve no matter how hard I tried. Though I wanted to want to do the “right thing,” maybe I didn’t really want the “right thing.”

Hence, my overreaction to perceived constraints by focusing on weight and appearance for the purpose of validation and affirmation from others came to exist. I decided I could be selfish; if I wasn’t going to get what I wanted in the way I originally thought, I was going to change what I wanted to something I could achieve through a different application of discipline and focus.

Over the past five years, I’ve gained back all of the weight that I had previously lost and then some. I’ve also gained some wisdom and perspective about my unhappiness with my lot in life. Whether attempting to live the “perfect” life of a committed, selfless Christian wife and mother, or striving after society’s model of an attractive, thin woman, I was seeking outside confirmation and approval. I was lacking confidence in myself. I didn’t believe I was good at my core. I had something to prove, and if I could demonstrate my goodness to others, maybe they would affirm my goodness enough that I could believe it, too.

I have realized that running and mindful eating are not good or bad in themselves. They are resources to use. It’s why one uses them that makes the most difference for one’s mental well-being. If I do not accept myself as I am today (worthy of love, enjoyment, and acceptance from others) eating mindfully and exercising will not get me there. Viewing myself through a lens of judgment, and projecting that judgment onto myself as if it’s coming from others, will never accomplish the goal of self-acceptance, even if it motivates me to count calories, exchange a walk for a glass of wine, or go for a 3-mile run.

Likewise, accommodating others, putting aside one’s own needs and desires to support another’s, and seeking humility and goodness, will not gain accolades from others that prove one’s core level of goodness. If done out of duty and an attempt to garner praise, they are hollow and unfulfilling. If they come out of a need for others’ admiration, others may respond, but one’s own personal perception will still fall short.

In my search for foundational self-acceptance, I found help through readings in The Mastery of Self: A Toltec Guide to Personal Freedom. The practice includes replacing self-judgment with unconditional love of self. This love is manifested through self-forgiveness. Self-love is lived out through positive self-talk. When you don’t achieve a goal or plan you made, speaking negatively to yourself about your “failure” does not move you towards achievement. Rather, it just tears you down so you move away from self-love.

Gaining wisdom and perspective accompanied my weight gain. The weight gain was the impelling force which first brought me to feeling poorly about myself, but then transformed into my search for self-acceptance and seeking body positivity internally as well as in public. I was reminded that my children have always encouraged me to feel good about my looks. They spoke kind words back to me that I had always spoken to them. They told me to imagine how I feel about my mom, and then to realize that this is the way they see me. It’s not about objective beauty but about a relational perspective that creates a deeper, more subjective attractiveness through the lens of love.

Goals are great to help us move in a direction we want to go. My overarching goals are to be real and to be happy. However, if I define my worth and acceptance on whether I was able to “be real” in a certain situation, or if I experience something other than happiness, I fall victim to conditional self-love. In the Mastery of Self, I am reminded that I am “perfect in this moment and [I] don’t need to do or achieve anything in order to be complete. It’s absolutely fine to want to accomplish things…, to see what your strengths are and see what you are able to do; but as a Master of Self your priority is to love yourself unconditionally throughout the process of working toward any goal you have set for yourself.”

Today, I am still at a heavier weight than I ever have been in my life. I am also much happier than I’ve been in my life. I believe that I am worthy and am continuing to grow in my acceptance of myself. I don’t rely so excessively on others’ praise and affirmation. Of course we all benefit from compliments and kind words, but I don’t need them in order to be happy with myself. I can give myself kindness and complimentary self-talk. I can be sympathetic to myself when I do or say something that I realize I wish I hadn’t.

My weight and my appearance do not define me. They are a physical representation of my whole self. They are a part of me. I don’t need to lose weight to be good. I don’t need to stay the same weight to be good. I’m good because I’m good. The choices I make contribute to how I use all of the components that collectively make me, me. Some days, I’m pleased with those choices and how they come together. Some days, I’m less excited about my choices. However, I’m happy with myself, whichever kind of day it is. I’m human. I accept that. I’m here for the journey. It is a joy to exist. Guilt and shame play no part in my self-talk narrative. I accept me and all of my components and choices. I am good today. I’m excited to see how my strengths are revealed and what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it, but however those things do or don’t come to pass, I am complete right here, right now.