It was almost time to celebrate Christmas 2020 with the family. Our oldest and his wife arrived on Saturday night, and one of the twins got here on Sunday afternoon. The other twin would be flying in soon to reunite the whole group.

In my last therapy session before that Christmas, the counselor asked me what I was looking forward to most, with all of the kids coming home. After a couple minutes thought, I said, “Peace.”

That seemed an odd thing to say with four extra people coming to stay in our house, but it would be the first time they would be all grown up, actually get along with each other, and enjoy hanging out together as adults in our home.

It was also the first year I didn’t feel like I needed to try to make sure everyone was happy. I could chill out and take care of myself and just enjoy all of us being together without trying to control whether everything happened exactly right.

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My current relationship with faith brings me similar peace. It lets me breathe in deeply and sigh out heavily. It allows me to be happy with who I am without striving after anything.

I grew up with a belief system founded on the idea of original sin and the inability to be good enough for God on our own. Through God’s inimitable grace, sinners can crawl to him to seek redemption if they are wise enough, smart enough, broken enough, or committed enough to interpret the Bible correctly, choose the right set of beliefs, select the correct denomination of faith community, and submit themselves to putting God first over everything. I know we don’t say it that way, but my experience leads me to think otherwise.

Surprisingly, however, there isn’t just one way to have faith or believe. That’s a fairly new revelation for me. My faith has evolved. My belief is that “salvation” is not restricted to the wisest, smartest, most broken, or most committed. If Jesus truly died for anyone, he had to have died for everyone, whether they choose him or not. Universal salvation.

That one alteration in belief birthed a thousand tiny questions demanding to be considered.

What about free will?

What about hell?

Why is faith meaningful if everyone is ultimately “saved”?

If I believed “correctly” before, and now I’ve changed, will I be punished?

Will I be rejected?

If I no longer hold orthodox beliefs, why do I feel so much more peace?

If Christians are known by their love, how come I am perceived as more Christ-like now that I no longer feel the need to label myself?

If the truth shall set you free, and I am confident that I am now free, what truth is at work in me?

I don’t have certain answers to these questions or the many more that continue to pop up. The cool thing is that I don’t need to have certain answers. I don’t need to defend my position. I’m not trying to convince anyone to think the way I do. I don’t have a corner on truth. I’m not proselytizing.

I just finally feel like I can explore the questions and potential answers and be comfortable with the fact that no one truly “knows” (hence the concept of faith). I feel like I have permission to truly choose for myself (heretic) what I think and believe. I’m not guaranteed eternal damnation because I think outside of the traditional box of salvation. I can be real and not feel as if I wish I believed rightly. Truth brings freedom and, for me, freedom has enabled the decreasing presence of guilt and the increasing companionship of peace.